Air is Free, Stop Paying Extra

What's more foolish than buying bottled water? Buying air. Buying bottled water is pretty stupid, but that's a whole different entry.

I've been noticing that more and more air is being pumped into our consumer products. Obviously it's tons of air that makes something like Cool Whip rise to the top in a love/hate relationship we all have with America's most famous pie topping. But more recently, my wife (bless her heart) brought home some Yoplait Whips yogurt cups. As a man of calories first, foofiness second, I was highly disappointed in how much air had replaced what seemed like many spoonfuls of yogurty goodness (two ounces to be exact). I felt like a humpback whale as I expelled the trapped pockets of air out my baleen plates in order to not be burping up "Strawberry Mist" later. Then I felt like a righteous cheap bastard in pointing out the error in my wife's non-Kittellian way.

However, I'll be the first to admit that one of the finest products to hit the recent consumer market is foam soap. I first remember seeing it spring up in hospitals, and then in public restrooms. With foam, you don't over-soap your hand with gel...then wait five minutes as the faucet sensor treats you like a vampire in a mirror. Nor do you remove your fingertips with the sandblasting soap powder (which I secretly love) that they used to stock in the bathrooms of gas stations, elementary schools and Washington State Ferries. But now that we're given the option of purchasing foam soap in the supermarket, it has become a Kittellian issue.

If you like foam soap, and want to bring it into your house, there's no escaping the purchase of your first bottle. Just buck up and shell out the $3.50 (or if you want to go a step beyond Kittellian even, just rifle through the neighborhood recycle bins). Once the bottle is empty of its original product, you can look forward to discovering the secret that allows soap executives to lather up in Benjamins. To refill a foam soap bottle, you can actually use ANY liquid soap. From my experience, you can refill your empty brand-name foam soap bottle with 30-40% ghetto soap. The rest you fill with water—but slowly, so it doesn't foam on the inside. Then roll the bottle back and forth to mix the two liquids. Then pump away and bask in the knowledge that you no longer have to play the role of the whipped consumer. If your mixture is too thick with regular soap, it will be too viscous for the aerating mechanism to pump air into the soap. So start with a light mix and then keep adding soap to reach optimal foaming performance.

I realize this will probably save you, like, two dollars over the course of a year. But discovering these little gems is what being Kittellian is all about. And the more foam-soap-refill things you discover, the more you start seeing how to trim waste and live better on less. Oh, and you should stop buying Cool Whip, 'cause that sh*t will kill you.